By: Troy Boesen
Dr Dre Memorial Battle Royal
Mojo Rawley, Apollo Crews, Big Show, Chad Hawkins, Braun Strowman, Goldust, R-Truth, Primo, Epico, Curtis Axel, Bo Dallas, TransJinder Mahal, Sami Zayn, James Ellsworth, Alicia Fox, Noam Dar, Luke Harper, Dolph Ziggler, Kalisto, Kane, Erick Rowan, Heath Slater, Fandango, Junk Yard Dog, Konnor, Viktor, Jason Jordan, Jey Uso, Simon Gotch, Jimmy Uso, Jimmy Snuka, Aiden English, Tyler Breeze, Alberto Del Rio, Samoa Joe, Titus O’Neil, Mark Henry, Bit O’ Honey, Dana Brooke, Chad Gable, Referee Jack Doan, Cody Rhodes, Jack Gallagher, Maybe others
The Build: Andre died, so we could get a pre-show match that would give all the guys who got pushed off the card because of old people a chance to get a pay day. Not the candy bar, but that would be nice to.
My Pick: BRAUN
Singles Match for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Neville © vs Austin Aries
The Build: Neville said he beat everyone, even when he didn’t, so Austin Aries decided that he was done being a commentator and challenged the Man That Full Beards Forgot. Aries had to win a #1 Contender match instead of just beating Neville in a non-title match.
My Pick: Neville
Singles Match for the WWE Championship: Bray Wyatt © vs Baby Beard Orton
The Build: Baby Beard Orton had a plan to destroy the Wyatt Family that included getting rid of Luke Harper, and that’s about it. But even though Harper is now done with the Wyatt Family, Baby Beard wants to end Bray, who won the WWE Championship at Auschwitz. Baby Beard first said he would not cash in his Rumble in the Bank win but then decided LOL I will.
My Pick: Bray Wyatt
Singles Match for the WWE Universal Championship: Goldberg © vs Brock Lesnar
The Build: Goldberg is old. He got a title shot for no reason. Then he beat Kevin Owens. Now he faces a guy he beat twice, once in less than two minutes.
My Pick: Goldberg because fuck it.
Non-sanctioned match: Seth Rollins vs Triple H
The Build: Triple H cost Seth Rollins the Universal Championship. Rollins then had a chance to win the belt himself but failed to, so he really only has himself to blame for this and really doesn’t need to face Triple H. Rollins killed his knee again because Cross Fit is not good for your body. He signed a deal that is a slap in the face to Daniel Bryan that allows him to fight without doctor’s approval.
My Pick: Rollins
The Undertaker vs Roman Reigns
The Build: Undertaker and Roman Reigns both purchased houses that share a backyard, but neither can agree where the property line is.
My Pick: Roman Reigns, cause fuck fans.
Shane McMahon vs AJ Styles
The Build: AJ Styles, the bad guy, keeps getting fucked over by Shane McMahon, the good guy. He got fired for doing the same type of crime that Baron Corbin committed. Corbin got a title shot, and Styles got booked to face Shane.
My Pick: Shane because Styles will quit SmackDown Live.
Fatal 4-Way Elimination Match for the WWE Raw Women’s Championship:
Bayley © vs Charlotte Flair vs Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax
The Build: Bitches be crazy.
My Pick: Bayley, but take a shot every time a pin gets broken up.
Singles Match for the WWE United States Championship: Chris Jericho © vs Kevin Owens
The Build: Kevin Owens had a title match coming up but realized that he was only retaining because Chris Jericho kept helping him. So he got rid of Jericho. Then proved himself right by losing his belt.
My Pick: Kevin Owens
Mixed Tag Team Match: John Cena and Nikki Cena vs The Miz and Maryse
The Build: The Miz and Maryse continued to point out that John Cena and Nikki Bella are really only together to get publicity for their relationship and are obsessed with media attention. Cena will most likely propose to Nikki after this match, which would prove Miz and Maryse right.
My Pick: CeNikki
Singles Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: Dean Ambrose © vs Baron Corbin
The Build: Baron Corbin straight up tried to kill a muthafucka. This earned him a title shot.
My Pick: Baron Corbin
Dog Pile Match for the WWE SmackDown Women’s Championship:
Alexa Bliss © vs Becky Lynch vs Natalya vs Mickie James vs Carmella vs Chyna’s corpse vs Maybe Emma vs Maybe Summer Rae vs Maybe Naomi vs Maybe Baby vs Fuck It Stephanie McMahon
The Build: Alexa asked to have Wrestlemania off, instead Daniel Bryan said she would have to face every available SmackDown Live woman.
My Pick: Alexa Bliss
Triple Threat Ladder Tag Team Tormoil But Probably W/Tags Match for the WWE Raw Tag Team Championship:
Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson © vs Enzo Amore and Big Cass vs Cesaro and Sheamus
The Build: Gallowson were idiots, thinking that breaking up a #1 contenders match would net them a PPV off; it did not.
My Pick: Enzo and Cass
TV & Movies
Henry Huge Pecs
Ray Williams III
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