by Adam Salzer
It's the Ultimate Thrillride! It's the Showcase of the Immortals! It's the Granddaddy of them all! It's WrestleMania! The card itself looked fair to middling, can the show overcome it's shitty lead-up? Let's find out!
Kickoff: WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Austin Aries v. Neville (c)
I'd be surprised that this is the first kickoff match up, but there's only two and they're not going to do the battle royal while people are still filing in.
Grade: A, awesome kickoff, could have gone either way, Neville retains the belt.
Kickoff: Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Tonight Braun Strowman is made a star
Grade: D, what the fuck...
Kickoff: Intercontinental Title: Baron Corbin v. Dean Ambrose (c)
Why is this a kickoff match?! Anyway, looking forward to Baron's first title reign.
Grade: B, well, I'm 0-3 so far.
Shane McMahon v. AJ Styles
Interesting choice to open, opens possibilities for other things later on. And there goes my WWE Network feed...
Grade: B, that match was far better than it had any right to be. A shooting star press, are you fucking kidding me?
US Title: Kevin Owens v. Chris Jericho
This match should be great. It shouldn't be second, but it should be great.
Grade: A, of course, and a new United States Champion!
Raw Women's Championship: Bayley (c) v. Nia Jax v. Sasha Banks v. Charlotte, Elimination Match
There's a lot that could go right here, and a lot that could go wrong. Let's see what happens.
Grade: B, there were a could logical issues, but the way they eliminated Nia was brilliant. Good work by all four women
Raw Tag Titles: Enzo and Cass v. Sheamaro v. The Club (c) v. THE MOTHERFUCKING HARDY BOYZ, ladder match
Grade: A, you can't top that, the Hardy Boyz are your NEW Raw Tag Team Champions!
The Miz and Maryse v. John Cena and Nikki Bella
I'm not expecting much here, but it should be passable
Grade: C, to be fair my enjoyment of this match was hampered by my inability to watch it, since my network feed kept freezing but, as we said on the show, what is gained by Cena and Nikki winning?
Seth Rollins v. Triple H
I'm mostly in this for Triple H's ridiculous entrance
Grade: B, it was a C, but then Steph went through a table, so a bumped up grade for that.
Fuck this shit
Grade: F, yes, I'm counting this bullshit towards the grade.
WWE Title: Bray Wyatt (c) v. Randy Orton
This should be good, and Bray should win.
Grade: C, the projected effects in the ring were cool, but the match itself plodded, and there's no reason Randy Orton should have won there.
WWE Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar v. Goldberg (c)
The only saving grace here is if Kevin Owens cashes in his rematch and leaves holding both the US and Universal titles.
Grade: D, well that was garbage. 5 minutes, if that, four moves, total.
SmackDown Women's Title: Alexa Bliss (c) v. Becky Lynch v. Mickie James v. Carmella v. Natalya v. Naomi
So they'll get, what, three minutes?
Grade: C, they didn't have time to do anything, but they couldn't boot the match cause Naomi had to get that WrestleMania moment. That submission that finished the match looked good, though.
Roman Reigns v. The Undertaker, No Holds Barred
Undertaker's going to go out on his back. At least JR is there.
Grade: C, fittingly my network feed went out, AGAIN, and I could only hear the final spear. The match was slow, plodding, and predictable.
Average Grade: C+, things were going so well until the concert, and then it all went down the shitter.
- #ThankYouTaker: You don't often get to see living legends go out on their own terms. That post-match salute was a perfect send-off for The Deadman.
- UnFinkable!: Where the hell was Howard Finkel?!
Final Grade: C+, One up, one down leaves us right where we are, an awesome top half buried by a lackluster second half.
So as it turns out the booking at WrestleMania 33 is just as shoddy as the build up to it. And if they're going to go past midnight they could at least have given us a SmackDown Tag Title match in there.
Oh well. I'll be back in four weeks with WWE Payback!
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